Western Conference playoff predictions spoof

Part 2 of 3. Today I take a look at the last two rounds of the Western Conference and who will advance on in each game.

The Detroit Red Wings will take the San Jose Sharks down to advance to the Conference Finals. (Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

The Detroit Red Wings will take the San Jose Sharks down to advance to the Conference Finals. (Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS

#1 San Jose Sharks vs. #5 Detroit Red Wings
Not many predicted the San Jose Sharks would make it out of the first round because of their past history, but c’mon, they were playing the Colorado Avalanche, who was another “feel good” story of the season.

Joe I-never-show-up-for-the-playoffs Thornton continues his woes. The “Hamburger Line” of Heatley, Thornton and Marleau is over-cooked compared to that flying wheel team.

Evgeni Nabokov will prove something to the San Jose big wigs: That he can’t stop a Datsyukian Deke. You sure you want to re-sign a goaltender who can barely make it through the playoffs?

Dan Boyle will post a hat trick…in reverse. He will burn the Sharks for three goals scored on his own net. Nabokov will bash his stick over Boyle’s head.

Prediction: San Jose will be eliminated in the second round because they came in second place in the President’s Trophy race.

#2 Chicago Blackhawks vs. #3 Vancouver Canucks
What’s better than seeing Roberto Luongo cry? Seeing him cry two years in a row.

LOOOOOUUUUU will crumble right out of the playoffs, flopping around the crease like a fish out of water. He must have taken some notes from his Olympic goaltender buddy, Martin Brodeur. Someone should have informed him that’s not the proper method of stopping a puck.

Antti Niemi, the Finnish Fortress, builds a brick wall around his crease, claiming it’s his version of the Great Wall of China, blocking out those pesky Swedish Sedin twins.

Ryan Kesler will re-instate his “I hate Canada” campaign and refuse to the help the team so that no Canadian team will be left in the running for the Stanley Cup.

Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville will sneak his equipment managers into the Vancouver locker room and switch their jerseys with Taxi Cab shirts, causing Patrick Kane to go crazy and beat up the entire Canucks team.

Prediction: The Finnish Fortress stones the opposition. Luongo, sporting a black eye from Kane, mumbles about the loss being his fault and sheds tears that he couldn’t win Olympic gold and a Stanley Cup in the same year.

CONFERENCE FINALS

#2 Chicago Blackhawks vs. #5 Detroit Red Wings
Chicago has one factor the Wings don’t have that guarantees them a spot in the Stanely Cup Finals: His name is Marian Hossa.

Nicklas Lidstrom will finally show his age, coming to a halt in production and his 40-year-old legs will falter next to all the 20-somethings that make up the Hawks. All the writers will claim they were right all along about Lidstrom, you know, even though he had a great regular season and a fantastic first round. It must have happened at midnight after Game 7 against the Coyotes when he turned 40.

What about Datsyuk? You won’t have to worry about Datsyuk. Hossa will take care of him the same way he took care of Hamhuis. And there still won’t be a suspension. And then Hossa will score the series winner. Watch Babcock throw a fit of the century.

Kris Versteeg‘s singing on the ice will distract the Wings long enough for Kane and Jonathan Toews to sweep through the defense and turner rookie sensation Jimmy Howard into “Holey the Goalie.”

Prediction: The Wings will fight to the bitter end but all those games in the short time-span will wear down the old team. The young bucks will triumph in the end. Hurray for new teams in the Stanley Cup Finals!

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Categories: Ice Hockey, NHL, Sports, Stanley Cup Playoffs

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