Eastern Conference playoff predictions spoof

Part 1 of 3. Today I take a look at the first three rounds of the Eastern Conference and who will advance on in each game.

Alex Ovechkin will once again take the series to seven rounds. (Richard Wolowicz/Getty Images)

Alex Ovechkin will once again take the series to seven rounds. (Richard Wolowicz/Getty Images)

CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS

#1 Washington Capitals vs. #8 Montreal Canadiens
I know, most of you are probably saying, “It’s the Capitals! Of course they’re going to win! How can they not when they have players like Alex Ovechkin, Alex Semin, Nicklas Backstrom and Mike Green?!?”

Well here’s the President Trophy winning, No. 1-seeded Capitals pushed to the brink by the Montreal Canadiens. The Capitals had a strangle-hold on the Habs with a 3-1 series lead. And then this goaltender named Jaroslav Halak started haunting them in their dreams, pulling a “Nightmare on Halak’s Crease” to these poor players.

No matter what they do, the Caps offense just can’t seem to put the puck in the back of the net. Coach Brude Boudreau is vehemently complaining that there must be some plexi-glass behind Halak. There’s no way a goalie can stop an Ovechkin shot!

But alas, here they are. The Capitals have another Game 7 to play. Ever since Ovechkin and the Capitals have been in the playoffs, the series has gone to seven games. I guess someone forgot to inform Ovie that a seven game series doesn’t mean you actually have to play all seven games.

With three previous seven game series, the Capitals should know what it takes to get it done…oh wait, they lost two out of the three. Maybe they don’t know what it takes.

Prediction: Washington will eliminate Montreal in triple overtime because they can’t get any goals past the plexi-glass in regulation. A Capitals player will run into Halak and knock him out of the crease when the overtime goal is scored, but the refs will turn a blind eye in hopes of the Caps and Pens meeting in the Conference Finals.

CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #6 Boston Bruins
They’re the defending Stanley Cup champions. They should automatically be counted as going all-the-way to the Finals again, right? Wrong.

Crosby is on a scoring-tear through the first round of the playoffs, scoring five goals and nine assists for 14 points in only six games. But what most people don’t realize is that this isn’t him scoring for the sake of his team. This is him scoring because he’s trying to reclaim all the attention from Gary Bettman.

You see, since Bettman is now the current owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, he was salivating at the thought of getting his name on the Stanley Cup.

Crosby who?

Zdeno Chara will come over in the last five minutes of a game and destroy Matt Cooke as a revenge for Marc Savard. Cooke will be knocked out the rest of the series and Chara will once again avoid an automatic suspension.

Prediction: Boston will eliminate Pittsburgh in the second round after Crosby quits trying to get Bettman’s attention and just quits playing. Jack Edwards will rejoice. Snowball – 2, Hell – 0.

#1 Washington Capitals vs. #7 Philadelphia Flyers
Ovechkin’s chance at revenge for the 2008 playoffs. With Carcillo playing on the top line, he will probably be matched up against Ovechkin, so it will be the Neanderthal versus the Caveman. You can decided which is which. Either way, one of the toothless players will end up victorious and win the girls…uh, I mean, the series.

Pronger the beast will match against Ovechkin and infuriate him to the point that he charges around the ice trying to slew-foot people, but in his manic fury, he doesn’t pay any attention to who he attacks and takes our his scoring buddy, Backstrom.

Giroux will fly his mom down for the series and she’ll make her infamous grilled cheese sandwiches for the entire team, giving them all Giroux-esque skills and overpower the Capitals. Boudreau will now cry the team is on steroids, but to no prevail.

Prediction: Ovechkin will forget to show up, just like in the Olympics against Canada. And like always, the series will go seven games. Joffrey Lupul will re-incarnate himself into Scott Hartnell and score his first goal of the playoffs in the Game 7 overtime winner.

CONFERENCE FINALS

#6 Boston Bruins vs. #7 Philadelphia Flyers
After demolishing the Penguins, figuratively and literally, the Bruins will face off against the Philadelphia Flyers in what is to be a Winter Classic rematch for the Eastern Conference Finals. And Bettman will be so excited about the prospect of making more money that he will make the sure the Red Sox are on the road for two weeks so that the series can be held in Fenway Park again.

Instead of going back to Philadelphia for the home games, the “home” fans will alternate in the good seats under the press box and in the Green Monster, while the rest sit in the outfield where they’ll see nothing.

Randy Jones will make a cameo appearance on the ice for the Flyers, sending Jack Edwards into fits. Patrice Bergeron will be so intimidated by Jones that he’ll all but disappear from the series.

Van Halen’s sneakers will be magical to Carcillo as he becomes the difference maker in the series, registering a Gordie Howe hat trick in every game.

Prediction: The big difference this time will be that the Flyers actually follow the tradition of the road teams wining the Classic, or at least, the 2010 Winter Classic Part Deux. Flyers are headed to the Stanley Cup Finals.

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Categories: Ice Hockey, NHL, Sports

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